Out Of Proportion

Well i think we can firmly establish that i'm a twat and i've already proved that i say one thing and do the opposite.

As for losing weight well, that was a bollocks idea. Who am i to even contemplate the possibility of being strong enough to resist my one and only unconditional comfort?! I'm so stupid and fat and i hate myself so bloody much for it. Why can't i be like one of those girls who has everything for practically nothing?!

I'm so angry, disturbed and emotionally weak lately, it's starting to take the piss. The doctor has put me on anti depressants to try and calm me to down and let me get over things. The side effects have been hell in morings though.

I just can't do all of this at the moment and i'm so sick of home, i hate it so much.

Everything i sodding do just turns to crap.

I'm so mad i just can't possibly articulate it to it's entirity which is becoming a major drag since i keep taking it out on the one person that actually bothers with me (well, to an extent). He's always sodding busy lately. How?! He only takes one bloody subject, how on earth can he be under more sodding pressure. I don't even know what i'm aiming for, he does. I know just one thing, i can't stay home for another year.

Home just isn't home anymore. The double standards, hypocricy and tip toeing on eggshells are just things that i can't cope with anymore. I wish i could just scrumple it all up into a ball and burn it, just get rid of everything basically.

What makes all this worse is the simple fact that i have nobody to talk to. Everyone has their own problems and i don't feel it's fair to burden them with my worries. My folks try to care and actually bother themselves with me but it seems that everything i do for them is just a complete waste of time. Anything i confide in them becomes a big family drama that's why i'm not bothering to tell them about the anti depressants, it'd end up being blown totally out of proportion and the doctor would most deffinately be wrong. The only reason that they think i'm fine is because i let them think that. I especially don't think telling them how i feel about all this would help considering that mr "oh-but-if-i-life-a-finger-i-might-get-tired-and-don't-forget-i'm-depressed"
is a sodding alcoholic and a right fucking mess.

Why does everyone think they know what's best for me?

Then last and most deffinately least of all, hah, i hate myself. Body image, how i think, how i act, how i sound... if i could change every single thing about me i most deffinately would bar my nose.

I just need to get out of here!

That's my baby and I.

I went to his on thursday for tea and got back around ten-ish. I ate normally that day and did around 100 stomach crunches then went to bed rather late.

Then on friday we went to the metro centre together with his mom (Cath) and her boyfriend (John). I did a bunch of christmas shopping which even included going into Ann Summers. While we were in there we did some christmas shopping for ourselves too ;]

Afterwards we all went to Frankie and Benny's for dinner. Hence i kinda treated myself, food wise, and had a pizza.

Saturday Matt went and got all his gorgeous hair that you can see in the picture shaved off! It was for charity: he's donating his hair and got sponsered for it. He raised around £350 because of it I think.

I ate very little on saturday aside from a milky bar and a portion on chicken pie that my mom insisted i eat.

Today, i'm starving. Yet again that thing happened when you wake up in such a good mood then as soon as you get and about someone totally ruins it. This time it was my mom going on about my room. Basically she's been snooping around and decided it was too untidy so i've been punished to tidy it all day. I'm so bored now because of it.

Just walked the dog and saved a baby rabbit!

I've had a cup-a-soup, baby mince pie, slice of toast with nothing on, packet of skips and we'll be having sunday lunch soon but i'm not that hungry. Afterwards i'll do some more stomach crunches too.

See you later xxx

Well, I'm kinda new to this i guess. I'm going to use this basically as a diary, but mainly as a food diary, because having one online lessens the chance of someone near to you finding it basically.

Today i've been a bit off with people to be honest. I've just been pre-occupied with things really, and it doesn't help when i feel practically dead.

Food & Drink;

Breakfast - None
Lunch - Vegetable soup (tinsey bowl) and a hot chocolate (with water, not milk)
Dinner - Small portion of chilli co carne and five dorito's
Snacks - Yoghurt (50cal), oxo cube, small mixture of olvies and mini gherkins, stick of celery, lolly
Drinks - 2l of water, 2 cups of tea, miny hot chocolate

I've also done an hours worth of stomach crunches =]

I don't think that's too bad really for the first day of cutting down. I'm going to try and do this weird diet where you vary your total in take from day to day, not majorly but enough to confuse your body. If that doesn't have any effect (it's got 11 days) then i'm just eating as little as possible.

Bye for now anyway, x